Contents

Chapters in this book

1. Frontmatter i
2. Contents vi
3. Acknowledgments viii
4. Introduction ix
5. The Texanist
6. What is the proper answer when asked, “Where are you from?” 1
7. I have a co-worker who dips Copenhagen and spits into a Styrofoam cup in the office. Is this appropriate 4
8. If, when you visit a friend’s house, he has parked on his front yard, may you also park there 7
9. Is it really okay to make love in a campground 8
10. Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos 11
11. What are the guidelines for male friends helping each other apply sunscreen 12
12. Is it okay to buy my daughter a homecoming mum and say it’s from a secret admirer 15
13. How old need a boy be to receive the gift of a first gun 16
14. What can I do to keep varmints from destroying my beautiful landscaping 19
15. Do I have to go with my family to take a bluebonnet photo this year 20
16. What’s the best cure for jellyfish stings 23
17. Propane or charcoal 24
18. Will hiring a lawn service to do my yard work make me soft 27
19. Is it wrong to wear your football team’s jersey to church 28
20. Is it real Tex-Mex if it’s served with a side of black beans 31
21. How do I break into the business of ranching 32
22. When out at a dance hall, do I need to stick with the one that brung me 35
23. What do I tell my young son when he asks me to identify a roadside crop I don’t recognize 36
24. Can I have school spirit for a college I didn’t attend 39
25. How many Gulf oysters does it take for a person to see results from the aphrodisiac qualities that they are said to possess 40
26. May I pick the bluebonnets 43
27. What are the rules of the road when it comes to driving behind a tractor 44
28. If I hit a deer with my car, is it legal to collect it and eat it 47
29. Is there such a thing as gravel-road etiquette, and if so, how best can I teach it to the neighbors 48
30. How do I get out of a wedding scheduled for Super Bowl Sunday 51
31. Is disciplining my niece over spilt Dublin Dr Pepper okay 52
32. Are “truck nuts” appropriate 55
33. Do country dancers ever go clockwise 56
34. Can I shoot a rattlesnake in my suburban backyard 59
35. May I keep a loose dog even if I have a pretty good idea where he came from 60
36. Is there a point at which I should stop condoning my daughter’s tomboy side 63
37. What are the rules regarding the setup of a new tailgating spot 64
38. Is it legal to be buried on my own property 67
39. Should I unleash my dogs on the possum that visits my back porch 68
40. If two ranches are separated by a length of old barbed-wire fencing and that fence needs repair, who is responsible come fence-mending time 71
41. Have rural Texans always been closed-minded about clothes 72
42. Why is driving allowed on beaches in Texas 75
43. Can you recommend a cure for cedar fever 76
44. Does anyone ever have an actual “roll” in the hay 79
45. Is there really “no such thing as bad barbecue” 80
46. Are the banks of a river free to use for camping 83
47. How is it possible that the word “Texan” is not accepted for play in the game Words With Friends 84
48. When did we start referring to a chicken’s “second joint” as its thigh 87
49. Tell us about your little sidekick 88
50. Instead of handing my pocketknife over to airport security, I used a service that promised to mail it back to me. I haven’t seen it since. Is it gone forever 91
51. Can you recommend other Texas beaches that compare with the old South Padre Island 92
52. What should I do if I encounter a tornado while driving 94
53. How should a Texan handle himself in the presence of a small stinging insect 97
54. I let my daughter use my husband’s chili pot to tie-dye some T-shirts, and he’s really upset. How do I make it right 98
55. Is not liking Willie Nelson’s music a relationship deal-breaker 101
56. My husband and I are Texans living in Florida, but recently he told someone that we were from Florida. Will you please explain to him why this cannot continue 102
57. What do I tell my friend who insists on giving Tennessee credit for the “birth of Texas” 105
58. I’ve been thinking about getting a license to carry a gun, but my wife insists this is a bad idea. I seek your counsel 106
59. My wife-to-be loves animals and wants a miniature Vietnamese potbellied pig as a wedding gift. Is this insane 109