Chapters in this book

1. Front Matter i
2. Contents v
3. Illustration vii
4. Preface ix
5. Introduction 1
6. I remember many spankings with a flat-backed wooden-handled hairbrush 7
7. The moment you realize that you are enjoying yourself, you feel guilty 14
8. He never seriously bothered or teased me again 20
9. You must be yellow 29
10. I had been desperately lonely 42
11. I am heading towards unhappiness 50
12. There are freaks in every family 58
13. I did not think of falling in love with her 66
14. The Party was happy to find a WASP like Fred Taylor 75
15. I am unwilling to exchange my brush for a bayonet 86
16. You must never use my name to further your affairs 97
17. Thinks me a crackpot 107
18. He really didn’t like his own children 117
19. During the last fifteen years you have not been self-supporting 128
20. She says that she does not love me 136
21. There will be no more money from me now that you are an avowed Communist 147
22. She genuinely believes in my potential as a painter 155
23. You became for me a surrogate father 162
24. I earned 60 per cent and had an unearned income of 40 per cent 174
25. I’d much prefer to be in Canada 184
26. I have not enjoyed the anonymity I cherished 193
27. I’m going to knock you out 204
28. I do not believe that I constitute any species of threat 211
29. How’s the hunting, Fred? 217
30. Fred was the kindest, gentlest, most encouraging, most supportive person 227
31. I am still deeply in love with you 235
32. I’m going to be married very soon 244
33. He’d planned his suicide ever since Hemingway killed himself 249
34. Epilogue 257
35. Notes 361
36. Bibliography 289
37. Credits 291
38. Index 293