Love and War

Graham Parsons, United States Military Academy, West Point, NY:
Love and War is a treasure trove of insights into gender and the, often tragic, experiences of men and women. There are many aspects of the book that are remarkable but the vivid, and moving, portrait Digby paints of how men suffer under the gender binary is especially valuable. The "warrior masculinity" that he describes is going to influence my teaching and thinking for some time. I will surely be incorporating the book into my class on feminist philosophy. I think it has a better than average chance of getting young people at West Point and elsewhere to think deeply about themselves and their culture.

Andrew Huebner:
Digby has produced an accessible, smart, persuasive work.... filled with keen insights, illuminating connections, and heartbreaking examples. Anyone interested in gender, the military, or love should read this book–which is to say that almost everyone should read this book.

Love & War is excellent at pulling apart masculinity and its implications for the lives of men and women within militaristic cultures.

Fresh, passionate, and long overdue... [Love and War] offers an engaging analysis of the contrasting strands that comprise people's culturally programmed ideas about love.... Essential.

Kelly Moore, anti-rape activist, New York Times best-selling author, and co-author of the critically acclaimed Amber House Trilogy of young adult novels:
In Love and War, author Tom Digby persuasively shows us that the gender divide we often call the "war between the sexes" is an unnecessary social construct that has tragic consequences for us all.

From the bullying of a little boy with a "girl-colored" lunch box, to an American general left furious at the indifference to traumatized World War I veterans, to aboriginal tribes who exist outside our militaristic frame of reference, to the causes and effects of today's ultra-misogynistic porn, Professor Digby serves as our congenial and insightful tour guide through the misty territories of "male" and "female," patiently showing us the path to a better way of configuring the relationship between the sexes.

There is great value and hope to be found in Love and War. If we were able, as Professor Digby urges, to change the cultural programming of gender, we might finally free men from the stereotypes that continue to glorify antiquated codes of violence and the emotional paralysis of stoicism. And we might finally free women from having to live in perpetual fear of men. This is a book that should be widely read and deeply taken to heart.

Jackson Katz, author of The Macho Paradox and Leading Men, and creator of the documentary film Tough Guise 2:
The next time someone refers to a 'battle between the sexes' in the midst of a serious conversation about gender and power, ask them if they've read Love and War. Tom Digby's brilliant book infuses this tired phrase with new intellectual depth and political significance. And for those keeping score, Digby does take sides – with women and men, both of whom stand to gain by a breakdown and eventual transcendence of the gender straitjackets required to sustain militarism and other forms of organized violence.

Susan Bordo, author of Unbearable Weight, The Male Body and The Creation of Anne Boleyn: A New Look at England's Most Notorious Queen:
Love: From romantic poetry to pop music to self-help manuals, we are told that it makes us whole and life worth living. Yet at the same time, love is described as a "battlefield" on which the "war between the sexes" is played out through power struggles, and mismatched expectations. Just metaphors? Tom Digby says "no"—emphatically—and the result is a probing yet engagingly reader-friendly look into how what he calls "war-reliant societies" foster notions about masculinity and femininity that are doomed to collision. Chock-full of examples from contemporary culture and blessedly free of jargon, Love and War is one of the freshest, smartest books I know to introduce students (and everyone else) to how ideas about gender impact both private life and public policy—and vice versa.

Alison M. Jaggar, author of Gender and Global Justice:
Tom Digby's exciting new book argues that the glorification of militarism in contemporary Western culture generates hegemonic conceptions of masculinity and femininity that distort our relationships in all areas of life and produce deeply damaging consequences for everyone. The book is filled with fresh insights and telling cultural illustrations. It is a welcome—and very teachable—addition to the scholarly literature on gender and militarism, and should also prove fascinating to general readers.

Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men and Angry White Men: American Masculinity at the End of an Era:
'Love is a battlefield,' sang the great philosopher Pat Benatar. But why? Why do the metaphors that describe love and romance refer to battles of the sexes, or interplanetary warfare between Martians and Venusians? In a book both judiciously wise and passionately angry, Tom Digby untangles the knots that bind love and war, set men and women in opposition, and create the enmity from which we have to recover if we are to build intimate and loving relationships.

Sandra Bartky, author of Femininity and Domination:
Love and War is a joy to read, indeed, a page turner. Tom Digby opens up a whole new way of understanding the problems intrinsic to heterosexual love, as well as the impact of misogyny in the everyday lives of men and women. His compelling descriptions of the interplay of gender and militarism will significantly alter the way we understand masculinity, sexuality, romantic love, misogyny, and even war itself. Of particular interest is Digby's use of what I call 'situated phenomenology' to shed important new light on the roots of misogyny; the social implications of this new understanding are quite sweeping. For specialists in gender studies like myself, Love and War will be recognized as a major and profoundly stimulating contribution to our field. The book will also appeal to a broad audience, thanks to Digby's highly engaging, conversational writing style.

Shira Tarrant, author of Men and Feminism and When Sex Became Gender:
Digby brings a fresh view to the term "battle of the sexes" by revealing the gendered politics and cultural programming that drive many of the irrationalities and antagonisms so familiar to heterosexual romantic relations. The argument is intellectually stimulating, politically important, and potentially quite relevant in personal ways for readers.