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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion

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Transforming Terror
This chapter is in the book Transforming Terror
304 | Paths to Transformationnonviolent communication: a language of compassionMarshall B. RosenbergIntroductionI have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions. What hap-pens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house. . . . When the violence ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, “Are you a kike?” I had never heard the word before and didn’t know it was used by some people in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground, kicked and beat me.Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am think-ing of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time:I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to under-stand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo offi cer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, “Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?” (Etty Hillesum, from Etty: A Diary 1941– 1943)While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identifi ed a specifi c approach to communicating— both speaking and
© 2019 University of California Press, Berkeley

304 | Paths to Transformationnonviolent communication: a language of compassionMarshall B. RosenbergIntroductionI have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions. What hap-pens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house. . . . When the violence ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, “Are you a kike?” I had never heard the word before and didn’t know it was used by some people in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground, kicked and beat me.Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am think-ing of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time:I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to under-stand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo offi cer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, “Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?” (Etty Hillesum, from Etty: A Diary 1941– 1943)While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identifi ed a specifi c approach to communicating— both speaking and
© 2019 University of California Press, Berkeley

Chapters in this book

  1. Frontmatter i
  2. Contents ix
  3. Foreword xv
  4. Acknowledgments xvii
  5. Introduction 1
  6. PART ONE. A Deeper Look
  7. CHAPTER 1. Terror and Terrorism
  8. Civilian casualties: The New Frontline 9
  9. A Chorus of Stones: The Private Life of War 15
  10. Statement of the Under-Secretary-General at the Open Meeting of the Security Council on Protection Civilians in Armed Conflict, June 28, 2006 16
  11. U.S. Nuclear Terrorism 19
  12. The Truth of War 26
  13. Afternoon 27
  14. A World Free of Nuclear Weapons 28
  15. The First Car Bomb 32
  16. Radiation and Children: The Ignored Victims 34
  17. Casida of the Lament 37
  18. An Injured Child 38
  19. Remarks at the Stockholm International Forum on Genocide Prevention 43
  20. Beyond the War on Terror: Understanding Reflexive Thought 43
  21. The American Psyche after September 11 46
  22. On Religion and Terrorism 50
  23. The Spiritual Source of Islam 51
  24. Terrorism: Theirs and Ours 53
  25. Solidarity Against All Forms of Terrorism 58
  26. Lynched for No Offense 61
  27. Fatwa Issued on July 28, 2005; The Fiqh Council of North America 61
  28. Invocation for the National Day of Prayer and Remembrance for 9/11 63
  29. I Have Come to This Earth 65
  30. CHAPTER 2. An Unbearable Heartache: Trauma, Violence, and Memory
  31. The Aftermath of Violence: Trauma and Recovery 69
  32. Writings for a Liberation Psychology 76
  33. Ghosts and Echoes: Reflections after 9/11 76
  34. Be Ahead of All Parting 80
  35. The Deeper Wound 81
  36. The Key to My Neighbor’s House: Seeking Justice in Bosnia and Rwanda 83
  37. Just One Story 83
  38. Unfolding 85
  39. The Hidden Damage of Nuclear Weapons 86
  40. The Diary of a Political Idiot: Normal Life in Belgrade 87
  41. Under Bombardment in Beirut 87
  42. I Just Missed the Bus and I’ll Be Late for Work 91
  43. Interrupted Subjects 92
  44. Not a Pass 98
  45. Peace 98
  46. Shantideva’s Prayer: Buddhist Traditional Prayer (translated by the Dalai Lama) 100
  47. We Are Fields before Each Other 101
  48. CHAPTER 3. Denial, Dogma, and the Heroic Myth
  49. How to Cure a Fanatic 104
  50. The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness 110
  51. A Ritual to Read to Each Other 111
  52. Terror Comes Full Circle 112
  53. He Would Need Some Shoes 117
  54. Thoughts for the Times on War and Death 118
  55. Our Culture’s Divided Soul 119
  56. The Denial of Death 125
  57. The Verbal Weapon of Mass Destruction 125
  58. Speech Opposing the Post–9/11 Use of Force Pact, September 14, 2001 130
  59. Against Certainty 132
  60. Another Kind of Heroism 133
  61. On Vulnerability and the Sukkah of Shalom 135
  62. PART TWO. Paths to Transformation0
  63. CHAPTER 4. In a Dark Time: The Wisdom in Grief, Fear, and Despair
  64. Healing Through the Dark Emotions in an Age of Global Threat 143
  65. An Interview by David Montenegro 149
  66. In a Dark Time 150
  67. Thoughts in the Presence of Fear 151
  68. The Testing-Tree 155
  69. Seeing Red: In a Dark Night of The American Soul 155
  70. A Terrible Love of War 161
  71. Morphologies of Silence 162
  72. overcoming cruelty 167
  73. Eulogy for The Martyred Children 171
  74. CHAPTER 5. Truth Telling and Justice
  75. Universal Declaration of Human Rights: Adopted and proclaimed December 10, 1948, by the General Assembly of the United Nations, resolution 217 A (III) 175
  76. Naming the Perpetrator 180
  77. There Was no Farewell 187
  78. Facing the Inferno: Transforming Terror into Tenderness 188
  79. Half-life of a Despot 192
  80. Moby Dick 194
  81. Crises of the Republic 194
  82. A Memoir of Vietnam and the Pentagon Papers) 194
  83. The Tenacity of Memory (La Tenacidad de la Memoria) 195
  84. Miracle, a Universe: Settling Accounts with Torturers 203
  85. Rape as a War Crime 203
  86. The Key to My Neighbor’s House: Seeking Justice in Bosnia and Rwanda 207
  87. Facing into Truth: The Most Reverend Frank T. Griswold, XXV Presiding Bishop and Primate, the Episcopal Church, USA 208
  88. Zoroastrian Prayer 212
  89. CHAPTER 6. Reclaiming Our Selves: Gender and Violence
  90. Terror, Domination, and Partnership 215
  91. The Crowned Cannibals 222
  92. The Mind as Erotic Weapon 223
  93. The Birth of Plea sure 229
  94. A Woman’s Side of the Story 229
  95. Please Listen to the Women of Iraq 236
  96. Meena, Heroine of Afghanistan 237
  97. Behind Bars 238
  98. Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link between Masculinity and Violence 239
  99. She Cannot Be Lost to Me 239
  100. Joining Prayers 245
  101. Serenity 246
  102. Acceptance Speech, Nobel Peace Prize 247
  103. Prayer of The Virgin of Guadalupe 251
  104. CHAPTER 7. Compassion and the Interdependence of Peace
  105. Compassion as the pillar of World Peace: His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama 254
  106. From Them to Us 257
  107. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation 266
  108. Falling Bodies 267
  109. Forgive Us 269
  110. Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community? 270
  111. Sustainability, Security, and Peace 270
  112. Wilenska 277
  113. On Forgiveness 279
  114. Good Friday World 282
  115. A Heart as Wide as the World 285
  116. A Task 286
  117. The Table of Peace 287
  118. The Courage to Wait 290
  119. Buddhist Meditation on Compassion 294
  120. In My Soul 295
  121. CHAPTER 8. Paths to Transformation
  122. Hope in The Dark 297
  123. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion 304
  124. Nonviolence: Weapon of the Brave, Weapon of the Future 311
  125. Ahimsa or the Way of Nonviolence 317
  126. Candles in Babylon 318
  127. On Citizen Diplomacy 319
  128. A New World Diplomacy 325
  129. On Courage and Resistance 328
  130. War Crimes Tribunal May End Impurity but They Can’t Heal Hatred 334
  131. The Courage to Love 334
  132. At Hell’s Gate: A Soldier’s Journey from War to Peace 337
  133. The Greatest Danger 337
  134. Thanks but No Thanks 340
  135. The Life You Can Save: Acting Now to End World Poverty 344
  136. The Generation of Trust 344
  137. Contributor Biographies 353
  138. Credits 363
Readers are also interested in:
https://doi.org/10.1525/9780520949454-111

Chapters in this book

  1. Frontmatter i
  2. Contents ix
  3. Foreword xv
  4. Acknowledgments xvii
  5. Introduction 1
  6. PART ONE. A Deeper Look
  7. CHAPTER 1. Terror and Terrorism
  8. Civilian casualties: The New Frontline 9
  9. A Chorus of Stones: The Private Life of War 15
  10. Statement of the Under-Secretary-General at the Open Meeting of the Security Council on Protection Civilians in Armed Conflict, June 28, 2006 16
  11. U.S. Nuclear Terrorism 19
  12. The Truth of War 26
  13. Afternoon 27
  14. A World Free of Nuclear Weapons 28
  15. The First Car Bomb 32
  16. Radiation and Children: The Ignored Victims 34
  17. Casida of the Lament 37
  18. An Injured Child 38
  19. Remarks at the Stockholm International Forum on Genocide Prevention 43
  20. Beyond the War on Terror: Understanding Reflexive Thought 43
  21. The American Psyche after September 11 46
  22. On Religion and Terrorism 50
  23. The Spiritual Source of Islam 51
  24. Terrorism: Theirs and Ours 53
  25. Solidarity Against All Forms of Terrorism 58
  26. Lynched for No Offense 61
  27. Fatwa Issued on July 28, 2005; The Fiqh Council of North America 61
  28. Invocation for the National Day of Prayer and Remembrance for 9/11 63
  29. I Have Come to This Earth 65
  30. CHAPTER 2. An Unbearable Heartache: Trauma, Violence, and Memory
  31. The Aftermath of Violence: Trauma and Recovery 69
  32. Writings for a Liberation Psychology 76
  33. Ghosts and Echoes: Reflections after 9/11 76
  34. Be Ahead of All Parting 80
  35. The Deeper Wound 81
  36. The Key to My Neighbor’s House: Seeking Justice in Bosnia and Rwanda 83
  37. Just One Story 83
  38. Unfolding 85
  39. The Hidden Damage of Nuclear Weapons 86
  40. The Diary of a Political Idiot: Normal Life in Belgrade 87
  41. Under Bombardment in Beirut 87
  42. I Just Missed the Bus and I’ll Be Late for Work 91
  43. Interrupted Subjects 92
  44. Not a Pass 98
  45. Peace 98
  46. Shantideva’s Prayer: Buddhist Traditional Prayer (translated by the Dalai Lama) 100
  47. We Are Fields before Each Other 101
  48. CHAPTER 3. Denial, Dogma, and the Heroic Myth
  49. How to Cure a Fanatic 104
  50. The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness 110
  51. A Ritual to Read to Each Other 111
  52. Terror Comes Full Circle 112
  53. He Would Need Some Shoes 117
  54. Thoughts for the Times on War and Death 118
  55. Our Culture’s Divided Soul 119
  56. The Denial of Death 125
  57. The Verbal Weapon of Mass Destruction 125
  58. Speech Opposing the Post–9/11 Use of Force Pact, September 14, 2001 130
  59. Against Certainty 132
  60. Another Kind of Heroism 133
  61. On Vulnerability and the Sukkah of Shalom 135
  62. PART TWO. Paths to Transformation0
  63. CHAPTER 4. In a Dark Time: The Wisdom in Grief, Fear, and Despair
  64. Healing Through the Dark Emotions in an Age of Global Threat 143
  65. An Interview by David Montenegro 149
  66. In a Dark Time 150
  67. Thoughts in the Presence of Fear 151
  68. The Testing-Tree 155
  69. Seeing Red: In a Dark Night of The American Soul 155
  70. A Terrible Love of War 161
  71. Morphologies of Silence 162
  72. overcoming cruelty 167
  73. Eulogy for The Martyred Children 171
  74. CHAPTER 5. Truth Telling and Justice
  75. Universal Declaration of Human Rights: Adopted and proclaimed December 10, 1948, by the General Assembly of the United Nations, resolution 217 A (III) 175
  76. Naming the Perpetrator 180
  77. There Was no Farewell 187
  78. Facing the Inferno: Transforming Terror into Tenderness 188
  79. Half-life of a Despot 192
  80. Moby Dick 194
  81. Crises of the Republic 194
  82. A Memoir of Vietnam and the Pentagon Papers) 194
  83. The Tenacity of Memory (La Tenacidad de la Memoria) 195
  84. Miracle, a Universe: Settling Accounts with Torturers 203
  85. Rape as a War Crime 203
  86. The Key to My Neighbor’s House: Seeking Justice in Bosnia and Rwanda 207
  87. Facing into Truth: The Most Reverend Frank T. Griswold, XXV Presiding Bishop and Primate, the Episcopal Church, USA 208
  88. Zoroastrian Prayer 212
  89. CHAPTER 6. Reclaiming Our Selves: Gender and Violence
  90. Terror, Domination, and Partnership 215
  91. The Crowned Cannibals 222
  92. The Mind as Erotic Weapon 223
  93. The Birth of Plea sure 229
  94. A Woman’s Side of the Story 229
  95. Please Listen to the Women of Iraq 236
  96. Meena, Heroine of Afghanistan 237
  97. Behind Bars 238
  98. Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link between Masculinity and Violence 239
  99. She Cannot Be Lost to Me 239
  100. Joining Prayers 245
  101. Serenity 246
  102. Acceptance Speech, Nobel Peace Prize 247
  103. Prayer of The Virgin of Guadalupe 251
  104. CHAPTER 7. Compassion and the Interdependence of Peace
  105. Compassion as the pillar of World Peace: His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama 254
  106. From Them to Us 257
  107. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation 266
  108. Falling Bodies 267
  109. Forgive Us 269
  110. Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community? 270
  111. Sustainability, Security, and Peace 270
  112. Wilenska 277
  113. On Forgiveness 279
  114. Good Friday World 282
  115. A Heart as Wide as the World 285
  116. A Task 286
  117. The Table of Peace 287
  118. The Courage to Wait 290
  119. Buddhist Meditation on Compassion 294
  120. In My Soul 295
  121. CHAPTER 8. Paths to Transformation
  122. Hope in The Dark 297
  123. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion 304
  124. Nonviolence: Weapon of the Brave, Weapon of the Future 311
  125. Ahimsa or the Way of Nonviolence 317
  126. Candles in Babylon 318
  127. On Citizen Diplomacy 319
  128. A New World Diplomacy 325
  129. On Courage and Resistance 328
  130. War Crimes Tribunal May End Impurity but They Can’t Heal Hatred 334
  131. The Courage to Love 334
  132. At Hell’s Gate: A Soldier’s Journey from War to Peace 337
  133. The Greatest Danger 337
  134. Thanks but No Thanks 340
  135. The Life You Can Save: Acting Now to End World Poverty 344
  136. The Generation of Trust 344
  137. Contributor Biographies 353
  138. Credits 363
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