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Chapter Three Trust and the Family

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Dilemmas of Trust
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CHAPTER THREETrust and the FamilyOnce upon a time a woman put up ten thousand dollars to bail herhusband out of jail. He was there because he had been arrested forattempting to slit her throat. She forgave him. She let him move backin with her. She listened to him; she believed him; she thought hewanted to be reconciled with her. But life did not run smoothly; theydid not live happily ever after. In the end, he killed her.1This story tragically illustrates the psychic centrality of the family.For better, for worse, people do value their family connections.Women, especially, often try desperately to retain family connections,even in cases where they have been beaten or abused. One thing thatmakes many of us want to preserve our family connections and go toimmense lengths to keep families intact is that we need intimatecompanions and may not know where else to find them. The goodaspects of good-enough families are so essential to human develop-ment and thriving that even members of bad families may cling des-perately to them.What is a family? How should a family operate? Is it better forpeople to live in families than alone? Is it possible to live and work infamilies while maintaining our individuality, autonomy, and self-respect? Family relationships and duties pose many problems. Rolesin the family are changing: caring for children, providing for the fam-ily, and domestic work are now shared by men and women - thoughseldom on an equitable basis. But heterosexual gender roles are farfrom being the most controversial aspect of contemporary families.The hottest political topics are gay and lesbian families and the "fam-ily values" cherished by the religious right. Gays and lesbians arechallenging the old definition of the family with mom, dad, and thekids. At the same time, and in vocal opposition, conservatives arepushing a return to so-called family values as the source from which
© McGill-Queen's University Press

CHAPTER THREETrust and the FamilyOnce upon a time a woman put up ten thousand dollars to bail herhusband out of jail. He was there because he had been arrested forattempting to slit her throat. She forgave him. She let him move backin with her. She listened to him; she believed him; she thought hewanted to be reconciled with her. But life did not run smoothly; theydid not live happily ever after. In the end, he killed her.1This story tragically illustrates the psychic centrality of the family.For better, for worse, people do value their family connections.Women, especially, often try desperately to retain family connections,even in cases where they have been beaten or abused. One thing thatmakes many of us want to preserve our family connections and go toimmense lengths to keep families intact is that we need intimatecompanions and may not know where else to find them. The goodaspects of good-enough families are so essential to human develop-ment and thriving that even members of bad families may cling des-perately to them.What is a family? How should a family operate? Is it better forpeople to live in families than alone? Is it possible to live and work infamilies while maintaining our individuality, autonomy, and self-respect? Family relationships and duties pose many problems. Rolesin the family are changing: caring for children, providing for the fam-ily, and domestic work are now shared by men and women - thoughseldom on an equitable basis. But heterosexual gender roles are farfrom being the most controversial aspect of contemporary families.The hottest political topics are gay and lesbian families and the "fam-ily values" cherished by the religious right. Gays and lesbians arechallenging the old definition of the family with mom, dad, and thekids. At the same time, and in vocal opposition, conservatives arepushing a return to so-called family values as the source from which
© McGill-Queen's University Press
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